Ten(10) Internal Dating Obstacles

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As a psychologist and dating coach I often hear singles complain about the many external things that annoy them about dating. They run the gamut from crazy things that their dates do, to the pitfalls of online dating, to the difficulties of meeting people, being rejected and more.

There are also many internal things that block us from successfully dating and we tend to ignore them. These determine how ready you are to show up as a great date. Here are 10 things you can work on to embody the love that you want to attract.

1.Negative Self-Talk & Poor Self Esteem– How you feel about yourself speaks volumes. It affects how confident you are, how you regularly treat yourself and how you allow yourself to be treated. If you speak to yourself negatively 24/7 you’re bound to practice this type of self-talk on or before a date. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that signals to your date that you aren’t happy and don’t feel attractive. So practice speaking to yourself the way you’d talk to a friend that you love. Be your own best cheerleader and find things that you love about yourself to focus on.

2.Taking No Action– Another obstacle is when you say that you want a relationship but you take no action. You don’t join online dating sites, go to events or even go out to meet people. You are not walking your talk or putting yourself on the playing field and your actions don’t match your words. Become accountable for taking action each week.

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3.Limiting Beliefs about Dating, Relationships & the Opposite Sex– If you regularly think about how awful dating is, how much you hate men and all the reasons that relationships are painful, how successful will you be in achieving your goal to meet someone great? Our thoughts affect our feelings and actions so practice making them positive. Begin to create beliefs that support your intentions about dating, like the belief that a date could be fun because maybe you’ll laugh, have a great meal or an interesting conversation.

4.Excuses– Often clients tell me they can’t date until they lose weight, until it gets warmer out or until they’re project is done. You can always find reasons to put off what makes you feel uncomfortable. If you really want a relationship, notice where you get off course with excuses. Then challenge them and do the hard thing anyway, whether it’s going to a singles event or on a double date.

5.Past Baggage– Sometimes we let past hurt stop us from moving forward with someone new. Leave the past behind you and choose to forgive or move on. Give new people a chance to make your present and future life even better.

 

6.Excessive Judgments & Expectations– Many daters have a huge list of requirements for a mate and this can be overkill. Everyone has positives and negatives. There are no perfect people. It’s often a matter of making sure that there are no red flags or deal breakers and then giving them a chance. Have an open mind and be willing to be surprised. Challenge your preconceived notions and recognize that this is a way to grow.

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7.Fear of Rejection– Most people dislike rejection but since rejection is common in life, we can’t let it stop us. Some daters fear it so much that they completely stop dating and decide that they must be unappealing or unlovable. Rejection is a normal part of your dating cycle so you need to learn how not to take it personally and to keep on dating.

8.Social Anxiety– Some singles get nervous and shy around new people. This is pretty normal unless you get panic attacks or are really incapacitated and unable to go places & do things because of it. If the latter is the case, seek therapy to get help with this. If it is just a case of nerves, then it may get easier as you practice. Don’t let fearful feelings and thoughts stop you from having a love life. You can’t control how others will react to you but you can choose to love yourself and to choose love over fear.

9.Busyness– Sometimes people really do have busy jobs and many responsibilities but I find that being too busy to date at all can be a defense. Many times these singles feel more comfortable at work than dating. It is important to create time for balance and for what is most important in your life. So, create a time slot to date, even if its brunch on a weekend before work or a 40 minute weekday lunch date.

10.Fear of Intimacy & Vulnerability– Dating is a process of getting to know someone and love means connecting on a heart level. This involves the capacity to be vulnerable and the willingness to let someone in. If you are someone who is especially private or distrustful, think about how to practice sharing more on dates. Recognize that in order to love someone you need to express feelings and to trust them to embrace who you are as you reveal different parts of yourself.

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