So it finally happened. After months (or years) of going to parties, swiping away on Tinder, and clicking through online profiles, you’ve finally found a guy you actually like?
Except…suddenly, after dating for a while, you realise he’s not so into you anymore. He pulls away. He talks about “wanting to be on his own”, and you feel him slip through your fingers.
Why is the world so cruel?? You wonder if the universe just hates you and only places good men in the world to torture you with the fact that they’re out of your reach.
There’s nothing wrong with you.
In this article, I’m going to explain the psychology of why you’re subtly pushing away the guys you really like, and give you some powerful solutions to prevent this happening in the future.
Here are 5 big reasons why he’s not interested in something more serious with you:
1. You’ve fallen for an ideal of him, not the real person
I remember a client of mine (we’ll call her Nicole) who told me about a guy who recently broke things off. She was torn apart.
“We completely click intellectually. That’s so rare for me. We both love books and art and the same movies, plus he’s really sexy and amazing in bed. I never get that combination of amazing things in one guy.”
So what happened here?
Nicole had built up this man as everything in her head. Within just a couple of weeks she had decided “This is it! I’ve never met anyone like him so he must be the person I should be with.”
Meanwhile, this guy was completely on-the-fence…he would often suddenly not call or text for days on end, he was sketchy about wanting a relationship, and would give her short text responses like “good” and “cool” when she tried to make plans or ask him how he was.
See what happened?
Nicole’s fatal mistake was that she had fallen for this guy without really assessing the man in front of her eyes. She had fallen in love with a bunch of character traits he had (i.e. intelligence, sexual charisma), but she never assessed whether he was really a great guy for her.
The solution? Fall for guys not based just on who they are, but based on how he treats you. This requires you to start seeing yourself as deserving of a great guy who truly wants to be with you, instead of putting yourself in the position of the “convincer” who has to put in serious work to locking a guy down.
For a guy to be right he also needs to be the kind of guy who wants a relationship with you. That sounds so obvious, but I hear over and over and over again from women who continue to chase guys who were never in a place to be exclusive to begin with.
Look at the man in front of you – don’t fall for a version of him you’ve made up in your head and then wonder later why it feels like he’s not into you!
2. You don’t keep up your standards with the guys you like
It’s a typical story.
You have no problem being strong and assertive in your career. With your friends, you don’t take any crap. You have integrity.
And yet, that guy comes along and suddenly: You let him get away with things you’d never let your friends get away with.
He messes you around, cancels dates at the last-minute, does something selfish or doesn’t show much interest in your life… and you say nothing.
The hard truth is, you acting like a pavement to be walked over by a guy is simply boring for him. Men like to be with women who challenge them and who aren’t afraid to speak up for themselves when they’re treated in a way they disapprove of.
It’s so easy to allow our attraction to blind us to whether someone is truly respecting us and living up to the standards that matter to us. From now on, your criteria for liking a guy need to be directly related to his actions, not his words.
When he does something you disapprove of, you have a conversation about it. If he can’t even acknowledge any wrongdoing, start backing off. Only seeing this will make him realise that he has to raise his game to be with you.
The women that men stay attracted to are the ones who maintain their own integrity and don’t bend over backwards just because they like him.
3. You obsess over your behavior too much
What eye makeup would he like? How can you keep him excited? What if you say something dumb? Does he think you’re intelligent enough?
This kind of obsession with your own behavior quickly leads to insecurity, and guys can smell a women who is unsure of herself from a mile away.
There’s nothing quite as attraction-killing as a woman who worries about “not being good enough” for the man she is dating. If he senses that you doubt you’re attractive enough for him, he’ll start to feel like he’s selling himself short and will wonder: Maybe I can do better.
How YOU feel about yourself determines so much about how you are perceived by men. Even the best looking women can blow it with guys by acting needy, insecure, and desperate for compliments to be reminded that they are attractive.
Although guys love complimenting women, they love doing it to women who are already confident and who take it graciously in their stride, not the women who need constant reassurance.
Remember: he’s not interested in someone who looks to him for all her validation. He wants a woman who knows she’s amazing and who can let go and enjoy her life whether he’s around or not.
4. You move too quickly
Every guy has dated that woman in his twenties that seemed to run the relationship at 5x normal speed.
And all men have a finely-tuned automatic spidey-sense for women who are too keen to skip ahead and fast forward prematurely to the “relationship stage”.
If you’re wondering why he’s not into you, it may be because you’re subtly pushing him in a way that makes him super uncomfortable. There’s nothing more of a turn-off for a man than feeling like he’s dating someone who is trying to fill a relationship-shaped hole in her life.
Men need to feel like they have been chosen for a reason. They want to court you over lots of dates and earn a special place in your world.
By all means, don’t hide the fact that you are eventually looking for something serious, but keep your cards close to your chest in the initial stages and choose him once he proves himself to be a guy who deserves your exclusive attention.
5. You are choosing “unavailable” men
I remember when I was younger meeting a woman who said she only fell for guys who didn’t show they were interested in her.
Needless to say, this scrambled my brain: “Why would someone solely like guys who don’t like her back?”
Unfortunately, for all manner of reasons, there are plenty of masochists in this world. Many women and men exist who get an odd kind of pleasure in chasing down a “challenge”, rather than pursuing healthy relationships with people who treat them with kindness and affection.
And I’m sad to say that there are women out there who find themselves only attracted to guys that never want them in the first place. For all kinds of reasons, these women see a man’s disinterest as a personal challenge to “win him over” – they automatically flip a switch in their brain which says, “he doesn’t care about me, that must mean he’s worth locking down”.
Yes…it’s as messed up as it sounds.
Let me give you the story here:
You meet this guy. He acts like he’s too good for you. You chase him down and do everything to seduce him and make him like you. Then he relents and after a while of keeping you in his contacts list, he either gets bored, or realises he’s not interested in you as a serious partner, or he continues to treat you like you’re disposable, picking you up whenever he’s bored or lonely and then moving on to someone else.
This is a horrible cycle to get locked into.
The only way out of this is to realise that the short-term high of “winning a guy” over is nothing compared to years of potential misery with a guy who isn’t capable of showing you the devotion and respect you deserve.
Choose yourself. Choose your own worth. Look for people in your life who see that already and surround yourself with people who encourage healthy relationships. You’ll thank yourself when you’re with a man who feels like he’s the luckiest person alive just to have met you.