Once the sex stops, your marriage is doomed. Ugh! Such utter crap!
A sexless marriage can be fixed. Yes, repeat that to yourself. It can be fixed. Now all you need to do is believe in what you just told yourself, and let us help you a little.
Most people who are in a marriage that is sexless think they are the only couple in the whole wide world that’s not “doing it”. Beep wrong answer! According to statistics, more than 20 per cent of American couples are in a relationship where sex is only enjoyed 10 (or less) times in a year. Some couples consider their relationship blessed if they can make love once a month!
So, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
No, this is not the good news. The good news is, if you choose to follow a few suggestions and tips, you can reconnect and rekindle your married lives! But are willing to choose?
10 ways to bring your sexless marriage on track
Rekindle the romance in your marriage by following these 10 steps:
1. Make a promise that you are going to work on your relationship. Together.
When working on a zero-romance marriage, your first step is to make a commitment of putting in the effort to bring in the transformation. Also, this promise should be made or followed one-sidedly. Both of you need to make the commitment.
This is the first step, and also the most important one, because without this, the conversion is just not possible. You need to ask each other, whether you both want an erotic marriage or not. Do you want to get sexually intimate or not? To recover the connection, you both need to want it; want it desperately.
To realize that you need to sit down together and have a long heart-to-heart. Talk about where you see your marriage is heading vs. where you want it to head. Be honest, because that is essential. Also talk about whether you want to end the relationship. Yes, it is hard to talk about that, but it is important, because if the two of you are not wanting the same thing., you are not going to put in the same effort, and that’s just a waste of time, which in some cases, is a lifetime.
Once you both realize that the two of you desperately want an erotic and sexually connected marriage, then you can move on to the second step.
2. Cleanse your relationship
The next step needs you to detox your relationship. A dry spell is usually caused by life-changing events, such as having children or when an elderly parent moves in. Some marriages are rendered sexless when resentment between the couple builds up and forms a wall between the two.
So it is time to break the wall!
Begin by making a list (and do I even need to say that you should be honest with your answers?), and write about every reason you can think of that drifted the two of you apart. Now go through the lists together.
Since this can be emotionally very hard, you can take help from a therapist. A good therapist will make it easier for both of you to open up better. Opening up should be followed by working closely to cleanse the relationship and get rid of the unnecessary emotions, which will make space for sex in your marriage.
I accept that this step is the toughest, but once you are done with this, we guarantee that your marriage will be better than before.
3. Create an understanding environment that is filled with love and kindness
Once you complete the most difficult step, you enter the fun zone. This step focusses on healing your marriage, and to get the intimacy back it suggests you follow a culture of desire and gratification. Knowingly or unknowingly, we create a culture around our marriage. This culture has its roots in how we treat our partner and how our partner treats us. In this step, you will work on building a culture of pleasure.
A prerequisite to this step is that you need to be kind and loving towards your significant other. Yes, at times you will have to go the extra mile to shower your love on your husband or wife, because they deserve it, right?
You two need to create an atmosphere where both of you feel appreciated, respected and valued.
4. Reconnect with massage
You have initiated the talk, you have promised to work at your goal together, you are cleansing your relationship, and you have created an environment of kindness and love. Now, it is time to bring your bodies together. Since it has been a long time that you both had sex, it is suggested you don’t jump right into it. You need to familiarize yourselves with the other person’s touch again. Massage is the best tool to get you two started.
Every day, you should set aside 10 to 15 minutes to gently massage your partner. Take turns so that the loving is not just one-sided. With time, the massages will turn in a way of communicating pleasure through touch.
5. Cuddle more often
Now that you have mastered the art of massage, it is time to go for full body contact. Yes, I am talking about skin-to-skin body contact, 0 layers of clothes between the two of you! Yes, it will feel a little awkward considering you have been having a marriage that is more or less sexless, but it will be totally worth. See, you have come such a long way!
Cuddle naked with your partner. This will heal whatever emotional wounds that still exist. This will also help release oxytocin, which is the hormone of love. This, in turn, will make you feel satisfied and blissful. At least thrice a week, cuddle with your partner, at night. This will help build trust as well as level of intimacy between the two of you.
6. Time to try those fantasies
You are unique. Your sexuality is unique. And so, your sexual fantasies are likely to be unique. All of us have a sexual fantasy world, independent of our relationship. If you don’t, you will need to cultivate one. This will help you come closer to your partner, and also allow them to know what turns you on.
If it has been months or days since you fantasized, we suggest you take some time out for yourself and cultivate and indulge in some fantasies. And when you do that, don’t hold back, just let your imagination run wild!
7. Share your fantasies with your partner
Once you have explored your sexuality, you should make a mental note of what turns you on. It could be a foot massage, or a longer foreplay, or role play, or something kinky; it could be anything.
Once you have figured out what you want, you need to share it with your significant other. Do not go beating around the bush, say exactly what you want.
Also, ask your partner to write their own fantasy list and share it with you.
8. Find a middle ground
Yes, this means sex is goal-motivated and goal-oriented. Like writing down your goals works in every sphere of life, sex is no exception. You need to know exactly what you want, because only then you will know you aren’t moving in the wrong direction.
Once the two of you have shared your erotic fantasies, try to renegotiate a new goal that involves both of your fantasies so that none of you are disappointed.
9. Try the game that we call “the three-minute game”
You need not rush into this. Take your time. As soon as you think you are willing and ready to get a little more playful with each other, it is time for the three—minute game.
You will need a timer for this. Set the timer for 3 minutes. Now ask each other what you want. You will be forced to say something. Tip: Listen to what your body is telling you. It could be a backrub, or something more erotic, your choice.
After you choose your 3 minutes, start the game. Yes, it sounds silly but it will help you build greater intimacy.
Remember, however, that if you think you are not comfortable with your partner’s request, you can always decline politely. Do not force anything onto yourself or onto your partner, as that might ruin your progress so far.
10. Positive changes must be celebrated
The last step on today’s guide asks you to be observant of the changes in your marriage after the two of you have decided to rekindle the romance. The changes could look small, but they will move your relationship in the right way, from where there is no returning. Observe the changes and celebrate them together.
You will need to express your thankfulness verbally and be more appreciated. Tracking your progress is essential to stay on track now that you have geared your marriage onto the right trail.