December 5, 2018
After your wedding, you have the honeymoon phase. Everything is new and exciting. But once a few years go by, maybe you had kids, or work a lot, things tend to change. Your marriage goes from romance central to boredom highway, which is why you learn how to reconnect with your spouse.
In order to retain that spark and reconnect with your spouse things need to change once again. Both on your side and your partner’s. There is not one trick to bring things back, but it is not as hard as you may think. As long as you are committed to reconnecting, all should go well.
Why did you get disconnected?
A great way to start reconnecting with your spouse is to figure out what went awry in the first place. It likely wasn’t a fight or any sort of huge situation, but rather you got stuck in a rut.
Maybe you stopped going on dates. Perhaps you feel more like roommates. Or you just stopped listening to one another. All of these things are normal in a marriage. A drought of romance causes a disconnect. But put that back and you can reconnect.
You’re on the right track
The fact that you even realized that things are different is a good sign. Some people go years in this marriage limbo, stuck in a rut they can’t even see. But realizing it and taking steps to reconnect with your spouse already says a lot.
Just make sure you and your spouse are on the same page. Ask them if they feel like you’ve lost the spark you once had. And tell them you want to get it back.
How to reconnect with your spouse
Avoid the ordinary. Do you have a date night once a month and go to the same restaurant and order the same food? There is nothing romantic about that. Do you only talk about your kids, work, and the bills? That makes you roommates, not life partners.
So in order to reconnect, create a balance of what first brought you together and who you are now.
#1 Recreate your first date. Whether you met at a bar, went to McDonalds, or had a disaster date, something from that first date clicked. So recreate it as best as you can. Go to the same place, cook the same food, or even wear the same outfit.
This is a great start because it reminds you both of the days when you did have a connection. And the spark was just getting started.
#2 Realize you are not the same. Do not expect the same moves and dates to work as well as they once did. Both of you are different people now. So although those moments and memories can remind you of what you lost, alter those moments to who you are now.
Maybe you took risks and went on crazy adventures, but now you have more responsibilities. So reign back the danger and focus on the excitement.
#3 Work together. If you want to know how to reconnect with your spouse again, find something for you both to do together outside of the norm. Get away from the house and try something new. Take a cooking class, go to an escape room, or even teach each other something.
Working together is a wonderful way to reconnect and realize what made you such a great team in the first place.
#4 Talk and listen. Once you have been with someone for so long, you can go through life like a bit of a zombie. You may hear everything but don’t actually listen. So take the time.
Make sure you have breakfast together daily or carpool to work. Give yourself time to really talk and listen. Discuss your feelings, what you want, your plans, if you’re worried about something. Communication isn’t just about sharing, but about listening and interacting.
#5 Put in the effort. Once you are comfortable with someone, it makes everything easier. You do not need to feel nervous or dress up. But there is something about having butterflies in your stomach that gives you chemistry and passion.
Dress up, get a wax, style your hair, and put in that effort that you did in the beginning. First dates may be full of anxiety, but the effort you put into a first date is exciting. So get excited. Prepare for a date with your spouse like you did at the start of your romance.
#6 Get the family involved. As I said earlier, things are different now, so reconnect with that in mind. You should have time alone, but involving your kids or families in your reconnection is just as important.
Take a family trip, plan a double date, or throw a barbecue and invite everyone over. This will get you back into a sense of normalcy while connecting in the midst of those you care about. [Read: 10 most romantic vacation ideas for troubled couples]
#7 Be spontaneous. Once you’re married, planning fun and exciting things to do at the last minute takes a back seat or just disappears all together. But being spontaneous gives you a chance to know how to reconnect with your spouse in new and unique ways.
You don’t have to book a flight or skydive, but plan a surprise date. You can plan the time and the day, but let your spouse take control of what you’re doing. Then next time you do the same. Trusting your spouse may seem like a given, but you may have lost that without even realizing it.
#8 Try counseling. Some would say, if all else fails try counseling. But I say try counseling right off the bat. Why struggle when you can get the professional guidance to help right from the start? Counseling isn’t always for intense circumstances or divorce.
Talk to your spouse and tell them you do not want to lose your connection and the romance, but you don’t know how to start getting it back so you need a helping hand.
#9 Say I love you. The first time you say those three heavy words is so nerve-racking. But once you get used to hearing it, saying it doesn’t always feel necessary. You may think your spouse knows it, you are married after all, but that shouldn’t stop you from saying it.
When you send them off to work or they come home in the evening say “I love you.” Those three words have as much power now as they once did. You just have to remember that.
#10 Touch. Intimacy can be one of the first things to get lost in a marriage. In order to reconnect with your spouse, touch is necessary. Whether a peck on the cheek in the morning, rubbing their shoulders after a long day, or cuddling while you watch a movie on the couch.
Small gestures like this bring you closer than you realize. Even just holding hands or putting your arm around them reignites that physical connection.