Most women aren’t going to tell you to your face that one of your mattress moves isn’t hitting the mark… but I got them to tell me all about the techniques that usually leave them less than enthralled. I’m sure no one could ever accuse you of lacking in the sexual dynamo department, but despite your vast array of heated know-how, you may occasionally pull a move that, although good in theory, flops in reality, taking the wind right out of her sails. Hey, it’s ok, we’re all human. To help you cut down on mistake potential, I asked a bunch of ladies to reach back into their naughty pasts and dredge up some of their more, um, unsavory sexacapades.
You might want to take notes.
“Grabbing your girl’s butt out of the blue may seem like a sexy way to get her into the mood, but be careful. I was dating this guy, and one night while I was brushing my teeth, he smacked my butt hard. It hurt! A gentle squeeze is good; a kung-fu grip, bad.” – Mia
“Dirty talk is a delicate art, and some words don’t have that magic. I briefly went out with a guy who talked like he had just graduated from gynecological school. “I want my penis inside your vagina”, he’s moan. That sounded downright sexy next to his use of icy cold terms like testicles and clitoris!” – Rita
“I found myself grinding on the dance floor with this smoking hot dude. Pretty soon, he had one hand under my shirt and was licking my ear. I was ready to suggest we go somewhere more private when I realized that his tongue was still jammed way up there. I appreciated his dedication, but my ear was swimming in saliva and I could barely hear what he was whispering in it.” – Serena
Foreplay Faux Pas
“It’s always hot when a guy lets me be the dominant one to his sexy submissive… but, really, only up to a point. If he just lies there completely limp while I jump up and down him, it’s like I’m fooling around with a string puppet. He has to show me at least a little bit of enthusiasm.” – Arlene
“I’ve had two exes who enjoyed my oral technique so much that they forgot there was a real person down there. To elaborate: an erect penis is fairly big, and if you lose your cool and try moving like a maniac, shoving it inside my throat without my express permission, it’s not nice. I love that they lost themselves in the moment and all, but choking doesn’t exactly make for a magical evening.” – Rhonda
“This guy who I went home with was biting me in all sorts of unusual places: the top of my ear, my shoulder blade, my elbow, my eyebrow. At first it was kind of cool and sexy, but after a while, it got so pointless and dull, it was hard for me not to laugh. Plus, it was actually kind of painful!” – Jolene
“This dude I hooked up with started throwing me around, ripping off my clothes, tossing me on the bed – all the things that you see in the movies. It was exciting… but then it got really weird. I was getting scratches all over my body and wicked rug burns. Too much passion is not always the greatest of ideas.” – Edina
“An ex of mine used to obsessively cover his protruding belly during sex, which was really annoying. Look, once we’re already doing the deed, there aren’t really any surprises there. Plus, I feel like I’ve earned the right to look at your entire body, flaws and all.” – Julia
“I love the doggie style position, but understand that the penis can do quite a bit of damage if you’re not careful and thrust too hard from this particular angle. I had sharp pains throughout the whole thing.” – Nina
Major mood killers
“I love it when a guy has condoms, because it means he cares about protection. But one night, this dude I went home with whipped out an industrial sized box of condoms, with many wrappers already opened and left there. It made me wonder just how many women had passed through the same bed.” – Brianna
“I’m not a body-hair nazi. But a flagrant disregard of trimming makes me feel like the sex itself doesn’t mean that much to you. Just keep it clean.” – Sonya
“I started dating this guy and was really into him – great personality, great looks, great in the sack. But five seconds after my orgasm, he would leap out of bed and rush to the bathroom. I understand the need to clean yourself up after sex, but scrambling away from me like I’m crawling with cooties? Talk about a buzz kill… and an insult.” – Cindy